My take on this book is that it’s a good choice for a book club meet, because it’s guaranteed to generate a lot of discussion.
It’s a catchy title, but I have a problem with the premise that, men and women are, as a species, wholly different from one another. But the author sticks to his guns about this with a God-like authority.
I take his assertions with a pinch of salt. A lot of his theories seem to have a cultural slant. There was not much I could relate to here. His philosophy is reductive:
Women are hyper-emotional, over-sensitive and impervious to logic. Men are immune to advice, commitment, and sensitivity. One needs constant emotional support, the other needs constant ego support. I would not want to inhabit the same planet as either of these specimens.
His style of writing leaves a lot to be desired, but it’s still readable. On the whole, it’s an enjoyable book, as long as you’re not really looking for answers to relationship questions.
I heard about this book in the mid 90s when I saw John Gray on Oprah Show. I was pretty impressed and curious as to what made this book so popular and marriage/relationship saver as it claims to be. So I jumped at it when Maheshwari suggested it for the reading club.
The book is readable and may have some valuable take aways for some people. It made me think, observe and research a lot about relationships and behaviors.
What I got from the book was "Men and women want to love and give in a relationship, but they give what they want and not what the other needs". So the author identifies the needs and expectations of each gender in a relationship. He did bring out behavioral differences between men and women that I was not even aware of and could not really relate to. This triggered me off on my search for validation from men and women..That was exciting.
According to me applicability of the ideas here is limited to certain cultures and specific situations.
The author's stereotypes of men and women and his solutions to relationship issues that came out of it, to me seem very negative, demeaning and contradictory..
The man basically has a very low and fragile self esteem which shatters and crumbles with minimal provocation. "I am broken and need to be fixed" is the his only conclusion to any situation. This hurts his Ego. His super 'ego' is shielded by self-withdrawal or external explosion. To handle emotions men want to be in seclusion/isolation or express anger/aggression.
Here are just a couple of several contradictions in the authors examples. • He does not take advise and suggestions favorably, however he does not miss a heartbeat to put on his "Mr-FIXIT" hat and give advise to others. • "Not feeling needed is silent death for a man". But when asked for help (needed!), he either refuses ( "Be preapred to take 'NO' for an answer) or forgets to do it (too busy thinking about his work??) Duh! Solution: The woman needs to leave him alone, serve, agree with and eulogize the man no matter what ??!!
The woman on the other hand is needy, talkative, emotional and dumb. She cannot make a coherent conversation or express herself clearly. Solution: The man needs to shut up and listen when she rattles along, and bring cut flowers often.... ??!! DUH!! Solution 2 : If her man does not listen, the woman needs to seek girl-friends, go shopping or find a therapist like John Gray!!! (Some marketing there!)
So in conclusion, the book is not a classic. It's easy to read, highly repetitive and colloquial. the The book did not live up to my expectations, instead it angered me quite a bit. However I did reach a "eureka moment..." Here it is..
1. It is a known that men operate intrinsically from their "Head" -Intelligence, logic, analysis, while women operate intrinsically from their "Heart" - Feelings, instinct, emotional. (It is not to say women do not think and men do not feel). So marriage is a platform where they can mutually learn from each other to balance their "Ying and Yang', their "Head and Heart". How its done is unique for each relationship and that's the fun, that's life! 2. Relationships are where you can learn to renounce ego
Lust (comes out of Selfishness and ego) Vs Real Love • Lust brings tension love brings relaxation • In lust there is cunning and manipulation, in love there is playfulness • Lust focuses on part, love focuses on whole • In lust you want to grasp and possess, in love you want to give and surrender • In lust there is effort, love is effortless • Lust brings violence, love brings sacrifice • Lust demands respect , love commands respect • In lust you are confused, in love you are focussed • Lust is dark and monotonous, love has many modes and colors • Lust says " All I want to have is what I want". Love says "I want you have what you want" • Lust causes feverishness and frustration; love causes longing and sweet pain • Lust imprisons and destroys; love liberates and sets you free.
Despite his professional training and work experience, I think the author draws heavily on himself, his wife and their relationship in this book. His self-reference, is especially revelatory when it comes to his need for men to be appreciated and admired.If you read his acknowledgement in the early part of the book, count the number of times that he thanks someone for their 'admiration'. Obviously, he's in need of an audience, applause. Maybe that's what makes him a 'celebrity marriage expert'.
My take on this book is that it’s a good choice for a book club meet, because it’s guaranteed to generate a lot of discussion.
ReplyDeleteIt’s a catchy title, but I have a problem with the premise that, men and women are, as a species, wholly different from one another. But the author sticks to his guns about this with a God-like authority.
I take his assertions with a pinch of salt. A lot of his theories seem to have a cultural slant. There was not much I could relate to here. His philosophy is reductive:
Women are hyper-emotional, over-sensitive and impervious to logic. Men are immune to advice, commitment, and sensitivity. One needs constant emotional support, the other needs constant ego support. I would not want to inhabit the same planet as either of these specimens.
His style of writing leaves a lot to be desired, but it’s still readable. On the whole, it’s an enjoyable book, as long as you’re not really looking for answers to relationship questions.
Well written Noa! I love your style and brevity yet loaded with content!! You go girl.. You need to publish some real articles. You'll do great!
ReplyDeleteI agree with you completely about the book. I am working on my review. Will post shortly.
I heard about this book in the mid 90s when I saw John Gray on Oprah Show. I was pretty impressed and curious as to what made this book so popular and marriage/relationship saver as it claims to be. So I jumped at it when Maheshwari suggested it for the reading club.
ReplyDeleteThe book is readable and may have some valuable take aways for some people. It made me think, observe and research a lot about relationships and behaviors.
What I got from the book was "Men and women want to love and give in a relationship, but they give what they want and not what the other needs". So the author identifies the needs and expectations of each gender in a relationship. He did bring out behavioral differences between men and women that I was not even aware of and could not really relate to. This triggered me off on my search for validation from men and women..That was exciting.
According to me applicability of the ideas here is limited to certain cultures and specific situations.
The author's stereotypes of men and women and his solutions to relationship issues that came out of it, to me seem very negative, demeaning and contradictory..
The man basically has a very low and fragile self esteem which shatters and crumbles with minimal provocation. "I am broken and need to be fixed" is the his only conclusion to any situation. This hurts his Ego. His super 'ego' is shielded by self-withdrawal or external explosion. To handle emotions men want to be in seclusion/isolation or express anger/aggression.
Here are just a couple of several contradictions in the authors examples.
• He does not take advise and suggestions favorably, however he does not miss a heartbeat to put on his "Mr-FIXIT" hat and give advise to others.
• "Not feeling needed is silent death for a man". But when asked for help (needed!), he either refuses ( "Be preapred to take 'NO' for an answer) or forgets to do it (too busy thinking about his work??) Duh!
Solution: The woman needs to leave him alone, serve, agree with and eulogize the man no matter what ??!!
The woman on the other hand is needy, talkative, emotional and dumb. She cannot make a coherent conversation or express herself clearly.
Solution: The man needs to shut up and listen when she rattles along, and bring cut flowers often.... ??!! DUH!!
Solution 2 : If her man does not listen, the woman needs to seek girl-friends, go shopping or find a therapist like John Gray!!! (Some marketing there!)
So in conclusion, the book is not a classic. It's easy to read, highly repetitive and colloquial. the The book did not live up to my expectations, instead it angered me quite a bit. However I did reach a "eureka moment..." Here it is..
1. It is a known that men operate intrinsically from their "Head" -Intelligence, logic, analysis, while women operate intrinsically from their "Heart" - Feelings, instinct, emotional. (It is not to say women do not think and men do not feel). So marriage is a platform where they can mutually learn from each other to balance their "Ying and Yang', their "Head and Heart". How its done is unique for each relationship and that's the fun, that's life!
2. Relationships are where you can learn to renounce ego
Sri Sri's words about Lust Vs Love
ReplyDeleteLust (comes out of Selfishness and ego) Vs Real Love
• Lust brings tension love brings relaxation
• In lust there is cunning and manipulation, in love there is playfulness
• Lust focuses on part, love focuses on whole
• In lust you want to grasp and possess, in love you want to give and surrender
• In lust there is effort, love is effortless
• Lust brings violence, love brings sacrifice
• Lust demands respect , love commands respect
• In lust you are confused, in love you are focussed
• Lust is dark and monotonous, love has many modes and colors
• Lust says " All I want to have is what I want". Love says "I want you have what you want"
• Lust causes feverishness and frustration; love causes longing and sweet pain
• Lust imprisons and destroys; love liberates and sets you free.
Despite his professional training and work experience, I think the author draws heavily on himself, his wife and their relationship in this book. His self-reference, is especially revelatory when it comes to his need for men to be appreciated and admired.If you read his acknowledgement in the early part of the book, count the number of times that he thanks someone for their 'admiration'. Obviously, he's in need of an audience, applause. Maybe that's what makes him a 'celebrity marriage expert'.
ReplyDelete